Mm.. Food #4 – Lonely rivers flow to the sea

31Jan11

‘Unchained Melody’
Robson & Jerome

I begin this entry with a confession: right up until I sat down to write these very words, stuck the exceedingly English names of the featured duo into Google, navigated to their Wikipedia page and slowly wrapped my brain around its first sentence, I had assumed – nay, totally fucking “I would bet you a whole 10 pounds sterling they were in it” believed – that Robson Green and Jerome Flynn were the main stars of every housewives’ favourite heated, sweaty 90s fireman drama London’s Burning.

I can vividly remember men, women, tabloids, and even the big papers screaming wildly and masturbating in unison at its gloriously gritty depiction of life within Blackwall fire station. As the show’s influence spread, pyromania became the hippest new trend, and many female fans would stalk the streets at night, striking off matches at random and wearing t-shirts emblazoned with slogans such as “Spray Me with Your Meat Hose Robson”, and “There’s Been a Backdraft in my Panties!” After all, you can’t spell depravity without the letters ITV.

So just as I was getting ready to jot down this tale about the influence of firemen in my childhood – Fireman Sam, being able to get ready for work in less than 7 seconds, remains a shining beacon of motivation and cartoon idolatry – I discover that the pop heartthrobs Robson & Jerome weren’t in London’s Burning after all, but instead were the burly heroes of no-nonsense army garbage Soldier Soldier.

Soldier fucking Soldier. Was my entire childhood a lie? I couldn’t believe it; my mother just phoned me and she confirmed it was true: “Who told you there were in London’s Burning? It definitely wasn’t me”. She wouldn’t even admit to having owned one of the aforementioned t-shirts.

Panicking slightly, I had to reaffirm my sanity by delving into childhood places of joy and solace; I needed to ensure they existed exactly as I remember. Wikipedia has somewhat reassured me: Kenan and Kel were genuine human beings and not simply Drake and Josh blacked up, and Chuckie from Rugrats did have ginger hair and was cool as fuck. I’m calming down already (although just discovering that Sylvester Stallone wasn’t in the movie Backdraft has thrown me somewhat out-of-sync again. I swear I remember that voice, like a muffled tuba, shouting through a burning doorway. Turns out it was Kurt Russell).

Jerome, with his massive face that looked like it’d been sculpted from Play-Doh by an alarmingly uninterested two-year old, and cheeky chappy master angler Robson, were responsible for a handful of mid-90s tunes that still occasionally plague me in my sleep. ‘Up on the Roof’, ‘Little Latin Lupe Lu’, ‘The Sun Ain’t Gonna Shine Anymore’.

Just typing those words was akin to fighting the effects of my own personal Ludovico Technique; my hands were jerkily wrestling each other from the keyboard, slamming the laptop screen down upon themselves, attempting to scratch my own eyeballs – because they know I should not type them. The above seemingly inconsequential string of letters – mere song names – has reawakened spirits; infectious choruses of torturous manufactured pop that have lay dormant for years, and now, by thinking them, and typing them, and seeing them, and feeling them, they have sneaked back into my living conscious. If you soon see a man shuffling down the street, weeping, and tunelessly wailing out “SHE’S MY MASH POTATO BABY! LITTLE LATIN LUPE LU!” try to ignore him. It’s my self-inflicted Robson & Jerome Tourette’s.

In an episode of Solder Soldier the duo were required to sing ‘Unchained Melody’ (and for many years afterwards I was convinced they had composed it themselves; firemen, fishermen, why couldn’t they be songmen? Was it that unrealistic?). Simon Cowell, that smart bastard, immediately recognised its potential, hired Stock and Aitken to produce it, and flung it at the baying masses: it stayed at number one for seven weeks in the UK singles chart. A useful commenter sums it up: ‘Knobson Green’. Succinct and perfect, unlike this hellish song.

Filed under: 2011, A childhood built on a foundation of lies, Fireman Sam, Jerome Flynn, London's Burning, Mm.. Food, Robson & Jerome, Robson Green, Simon Cowell, Soldier Soldier, Unchained Melody   |  4 Comments